Q. You say in your book, "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," that talking about a relationship doesn't work because of her fear and his shame. Could you explain this theory for us?
A. The females of most species of social animals have a greater sensitivity to fear, which helps them serve as the alarm systems of the social group. The males of most species of social animals have a greater sensitivity to shame-aggression. That is, if they are not aggressive to protect frightened females, they experience shame and a sense of failure. A woman wants to talk when she senses that something is wrong with the relationship. The man interprets this as he is what is wrong with the relationship, and reacts with shame-aggression that makes him blame her back or shut down. In other words, her complaints make him feel like a failure. As he withdraws, she becomes more anxious and complains more, making him want to withdraw more.
Research shows that talking makes many matters worse not better—especially when the conversation is between a man and a woman. For eons we have relied upon men to provide and protect us. They have done this effectively and take pride and pleasure in it. The fight/flight response has worked well for them and our species. If you go back to the plains of Africa, men provided by being strong, fast and able to hyper-focus. If two men are hunting, imagine the response of the prey if one of them get excited and says “Hey, man, look at the size of that Tiger; won’t he make a great meal for the village, and a great coat for my wife and kids!” The tiger would either (1) be gone; or (2) alerted to their presence and already in hot pursuit of making the two men the meal de jour. Speaking his feelings would work against his primary goal of providing and protecting. Men take pride in being a provider, partner, lover and family man and when he can’t do that or the woman thinks he isn’t doing that, he feels inadequate, shameful, uncomfortable. Men feel more physiological pain and discomfort around shame and inadequacy than women do. Women don’t like it but they don’t get the cortisol dump from it that men do. When a woman says “Honey can we talk,” a man knows she’s probably not happy and that he is going to be a fault. When a woman complains to another woman, her girlfriend hears this as an invitation to come closer. She says, “I’ve had a terrible day.” Her friends says “Oh, honey, tell me about it.” But when a woman says to a man “I’ve had a terrible day,” he feels like he has failed her somehow and/or sooner or later when she starts to talk about the situation, it’s going to be his fault. What women don’t understand is that a man lives to make her happy and when she is unhappy about anything he feels like a failure.
Now let’s look at the female role. Back to the plains of Africa. Women found safety in groups. Because they had a baby or two in tow, they couldn’t single-handedly fight off predators; but if they staying in a group, they could. Safety was in staying connected. One shout couldn’t scare off prey but a group of ten or twenty had a better chance. So women learned to call out for help at first alarm. A woman talking out her problems makes her feel better. Talking intimately is a bonding experience for women. Even if she’s complaining about to her girlfriend “I don’t think you like me,” the most common response of the girlfriend is to tend and befriend, i.e. move in closer.
So a woman’s fear makes her do the very thing (talk, move in closer) that can evoke a man’s shame and inadequacy. Fear and shame get the attention of the limbic system (fight, flight) and render the neo-cortex helpless. So when she’s feeling fear, he’s feeling shame, they are not in their rational mind.
